1. Smoking tabs actually increases the amount of pheromones released from the sweat glands of male hands. Tired Brit celebrity, Neil Morrissey, for example, smokes 40 cigarettes a day. And he's constantly inundated with requests by ladies to lick his hands.  

2. Since May 1991, it has been illegal to sell cigarettes in England without government's pre-approved health slogans. However, the sun also causes cancer, and yet, remains unfairly exempt from these measures. 

3. Your standard 20 Bensons, pint ovomit & a Ben Sherman please will consume 400,000 cigarettes in a life time which, when placed end to end would stretch for 33, 600km. Interestingly, this is the exact minimum distance that an asteroid, meteor or comet could avoid this fair planet by, before our gravity starts a galactic game of conkers for keepsies.

4. If you smoke over 60 fags in a single day, your chances of meeting ex-Neighbours star Stefan Dennis in a Knightsbridge tobacconist are greatly increased.

5. By chewing six fags that have just been extinguished, pipe smokers are known to experience an emotional and sensory blanket similar to that recounted by Mesculine addicts in therapy.

6. My nan still smokes 40 a day, lives by herself and went to hospital the other day because she fell over. Nothing to do with her smoking though.

7. Beagles were never forced to smoke; many cite peer pressure as the number one sluice gate.

8. If you don't smoke but are over 60, you're three times more likely to suddenly stop walking outside a shop, right on front of everyone else than if youre a dirty, young, good-for-nothing layabout, playing music until all hours and generally molesting stray animals.

9. By reading the letters on an upside-down pack of Marlboro, youll be pleasantly amused to find instructions for making a replica St Pauls Cathedral from one of those new, transparent Fairy liquid bottles and a deck of cards. To use old, white bottles, please refer to JPS sideways.

10. If you put five cigarettes on each shoe before setting off for work in the morning, youll never need to wear socks again.