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Smoking - The Facts


Hi, my name's Dr. Fred Perez. I doubt you know me, but I certainly know you. In fact, I've been watching you for some time now....

I was thinking of producing something for The Pariah that would earn me the respect of society, and so, I did. It's called a white coat. And I can really wear it. However, I'm not here to talk to you about white coats (even if it is a darn nice one), I'm here to talk to you about smoking.

Y'know, I hear a lot of crazy hoo-har talked to me about smoking. Dash it, I think we've all heard the scare stories. I heard about this guy over in NJ who now has to live underwater. Well, maybe, but as I sit relaxing on my tabacco farm and, whilst Lovejoy L. Lovejoy was out, I snuck into his house and this is what I wrote. It took a long time to research, using Annals and internet and so forth (all at Lovejoys expense), but here it is; the 10 facts that everyone on this grey, dying planet should know about our little friends down at the Smokers Union

1. Smoking tabs actually increases the amount of pheromones released from the sweat glands of male hands. Tired Brit celebrity, Neil Morrissey, for example, smokes 40 cigarettes a day. And he's constantly inundated with requests by ladies to lick his hands.  

2. Since May 1991, it has been illegal to sell cigarettes in England without government's pre-approved health slogans. However, the sun also causes cancer, and yet, remains unfairly exempt from these measures. 

3. Your standard 20 Bensons, pint ovomit & a Ben Sherman please will consume 400,000 cigarettes in a life time which, when placed end to end would stretch for 33, 600km. Interestingly, this is the exact minimum distance that an asteroid, meteor or comet could avoid this fair planet by, before our gravity starts a galactic game of conkers for keepsies.

4. If you smoke over 60 fags in a single day, your chances of meeting ex-Neighbours star Stefan Dennis in a Knightsbridge tobacconist are greatly increased.

5. By chewing six fags that have just been extinguished, pipe smokers are known to experience an emotional and sensory blanket similar to that recounted by Mesculine addicts in therapy.

6. My nan still smokes 40 a day, lives by herself and went to hospital the other day because she fell over. Nothing to do with her smoking though.

7. Beagles were never forced to smoke; many cite peer pressure as the number one sluice gate.

8. If you don't smoke but are over 60, you're three times more likely to suddenly stop walking outside a shop, right on front of everyone else than if youre a dirty, young, good-for-nothing layabout, playing music until all hours and generally molesting stray animals.

9. By reading the letters on an upside-down pack of Marlboro, youll be pleasantly amused to find instructions for making a replica St Pauls Cathedral from one of those new, transparent Fairy liquid bottles and a deck of cards. To use old, white bottles, please refer to JPS sideways.

10. If you put five cigarettes on each shoe before setting off for work in the morning, youll never need to wear socks again.