The Inspector Lintel Mysteries
BBC 1, Tuesday 20.30
Return of the odd couple Detective series for the BBC. Two unlikely police investigators are routinely called off to various parts of the Cumbria and the Surrey Dales in order to solve not very mysterious crimes in manor houses, and thus, really cut in on Lovejoy's territory.
Peter Egan takes the lead as the plummy public-school-educated ponce, who flounces around the murders scenes in a crumpled linen suit talking too loudly, and generally patronising the 'local colour'. (You could imagine him creating a perfect stink in a fancy restaurant....)
His miserable female companian (Linda Robson) looks like she hasn't slept for a few weeks and occasionally complains about the indignity of having once been on a bus.
Occasionally, the two of them do something that proves that despite their very different upbringings, they aren't all that different. At this point, Lintel (Egan) raises an eyebrow and Smalls (Robson) gaffaws and displays some poorly maintained, and rudely constructed, dentisty.
BBC2, 19:30 Saturday
An all-night special for Saturday on BBC 2, attempting to demystify Keith Chegwin
19:30 - Cheggers Plays God:
Five members of the public are given two minutes to justify their existence in front of a live studio audience. At the end of the show, the audience votes on which lucky person will be allowed to return for next weeks show, whilst the remaining four are mercilessly dunked, removed and then dropped into a vat of nasty, burning acid, accompanied by a frenzied audience singing We Are The Champions. Hosted by Keith Chegwin.
20:00 - Cheggers Plays Slots:
Chegwin takes a camera crew on a tour of his favourite gambling dens, culminating in a live ten minute set illustrating his passion for the tuppenny slot machines at the Tivoli arcade, Margate. Voiced by Robbie Coultrane.
20:30 - It's a Blackout:
Keith Chegwin attempts to reminisce about the 1990's.
What the Edwardians did for us.
BBC 2, Monday 19.30
The Man from U.N.C.LE. The Movie
ITV1, Saturday 14:30
Big screen version of the cult 60's action-adventure series, starring Robert Vaughn and David McCallum.
Kuryakin (McCallum) and Solo (Vaughn) are sent to a provincial English hospital, in the guise of doctors, and attempt to save a number of young ladies for the evil clutches of THRUSH.
Ghandi II: Ghandi's Revenge
Sky Premier, Saturday 21:00pm
Bawdy historical romp, based on a true story.
Ghandi (played by the World Wrestling Foundation's biggest money-spinner, The Rock) is one of those guys who continually has sand kicked in his face at the beach, until a chance encounter with an Indian Mystic (a blacked-up Bernard Breslaw, with a turban) who teaches him to unlock his inner spiritual power. With his muscles unleashed, Ghandi fills his nappy like never before...
With the help of Breslaw, he is quickly adopted by Indian Nationals where he is elected to fight at the semi-annual massacre at Amritsar, against the dark Lord Raaga and the dreaded tiger people.
The musical score was penned by Rhavi Shanka, and performed by Randy Newman.
Weighing in at a little under three hours, this really is a classic of epic proportion - unlike the famously dull 1982 original.
It goes to show, non-violence really is for wimps.
Raffles the Gentleman Murderer
Channel 4, 23:30 Wednesday
Belgium remaking of the Samuel Goldwyn 1939 classic.
Hailed as the European film sensation of the year in 1998, Remy Belvaux stars as the gentleman sadistic torturer and murderer who delights in outwitting Scotland Yard.
In one classic scene, Belvaux stabs the throat of a crippled nun (Olivia De Havilland) and the resulting spray of her blood knocks his Bowler hat off.
The Many Lives of Adolf Hitler
BBC2, Sunday 9:00pm
Is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? Of course it isn't. And by the same token, it's fine for TV executives to make up pointless lies about Hitler. After all, he was terrible, evil man, and therefore deserves the abuse. And, what's more, he can't even answer back....
In this week's Hitler instalment, a bunch aggressive revisionist historians (some from Germany, all with books coming out) sort through their selection of yellowed parchments and twist the words of long dead Nazi's in order to secure three separate - and conflicting - profiles of the fuhrer.
It turns out that he was a gay, Jewish communist. Did you see that coming? Did you?
Perhaps, more alarming is the work of Walter Smitz. An ex-serviceman, now historian, perpetually resplendent in fawn jacket and Olive polo-neck. His German accent is so thick, you'd need a shovel to cut it, and (like all Germanic historians), when angered, he is liable to spit at to the camera lens.
Smitz asserts that he has uncovered Hitler's secret plans to genetically engineer a special fleet of Nazi cats that could infiltrate English high society by kneading the corpulent legs of Nobility and staring into the corner of the room at nothing in particular. It's a hypnotic thought though, isn't it?
ITV, 21:30 Wednesday
ITV''s new, and humiliating, vehicle for Ross Kemp.
Kemp sits in a mud-filled trench, wrapping a soiled leather jacket around his shoulders for warmth and regretting having left the comfort of the Eastenders set. Occasionally, he weeps.
Next month, he is joined by Martin Kemp
The Real Ally McBeal
Channel 4, Wednesday 20.30
Fly-on-the-wall documentary about a real life solicitor who tries to make it without her medication and is beset by paranoid hallucinations and insistent grumbling voices, ultimately helter-skeltering her into a numbing void of velvety depression.
With Vonda Shepherd.