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The Fall of Pop Greatness

HAWLEY GRIFFIN revels in another man's pain. And offers forth this Pariah Exclusive.

Bowers: The Archetypal Kebab House Assistant

FOLLOWING A CURIOUS series of events, pop star Dane Bowers, was shot down by what appeared to be a flight of Sopwith Camels, whilst clinging to the window-ledge of his luxury Goring penthouse. The ordeal lasted an exhausting three hours and saw the giant pop star falling to an almost certain death.

'They were definitely Sopwith Camels' said one eyewitness: 'You can tell by the characteristic hump-shaped fairings over the machine guns'. Others weren't so sure what they had seen: 'I don't know' said Vanessa Massie, a neighbour to the massive star and witness to these dramatic events. 'To my eyes, they could've been Bristol Scouts or even Sopwith Salamanders. It all happened so quickly!'

At present, it remains unknown what lured the enormous Another Level star out onto the narrow parapet. One theory posits the landing of a particularly large pigeon on the ledge.

'A pigeon could have done it' confirmed TV presenster and close confidant of Bowers', Tess Daly.

'I've seen Dane get pretty distracted by birds before' Daly recalls, 'I remember during the "Tess v. Dane" segment on (Channel 5's) Smash Hits show, a gull got trapped in the studio and was flapping uselessly , banging the light rigging, making a lot of noise.

'All the technicians were running about like idiots' Daly urges. 'But Dane just stood there transfixed. His chin was as wet as a joggers pocket.'

A suicide attempt has also not been ruled out.

'Dane's been pretty depressed lately ' said Trey Farley, professional 'virgin surgeon' and a bitter personal enemy of the enormous pop lump.

'His career has been floundering a bit of late and he's GOT to have been wondering if that greatly lamented duet with Posh Spice, hasn't squandered his hard won R 'n' B kudos'

Farley continued: 'Then there was that much publicised split with Jordan. What sane man wouldn't be devastated to lose such an elegant, enchanting creature? No, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he decided to top himself. And let's face it, it wouldn't be hard to top Dane Bowers'

Bowers was first noted by neighbours clinging to the mock-Tutor struts of his suburban dream palace some time after 7.30 am. He looked confused and disorientated, a pathetic figure dressed only in a white towelling bathrobe and charcoal grey socks; crying out like a stranded cat.

It was not until 45 minutes later that the first plane appeared, buzzing the hapless crooner at first - circling his head like a persistent wasp attracted to the smell of his Shock Waves hair gel.

After about an hour, with Bowers becoming more angry and confused, the planes opened fire, strafing the swollen pop plum with bullets. Now more bewildered than ever and in some apparent pain, Bowers lashed out blindly at his persecutors as they continued to pepper him with bullets.

Finally, spinning to catch a glancing blow off a retreating wing, his feet, like the points of a compass beneath his gigantic bulk, finally failed him, and with a great roar he fell 90 feet to the ground below.

Experts believe he probably bounced.