The World's an ugly place, and we wanna' hear about it...
The Pariah, being England's foremost anti-gossip magazine, has always been diabolically smut-hungry, and, as such, we'd love to hear all your outlandish comments about this country's shabby genteel.
Please e-mail any such witticisms, and/or observational comedy basics, to The Pariah, at the address on the following page.
CRETINOUS, IGNORANT, ARROGANT, INCOMPETENT, BUNGLING, CLOD...
Harsh, words indeed. Bruising, unforgiving, mean-spirited adjectives which so rarely need to be strung together and slung in the direction of a target so weak and mewling.
Shamefully, such is the antipathy I feel for that vain, bloated milk-sop Richard Whiteley, that he has genuinely moved me - but in all the wrong directions.
Should I try and justify this standpoint? It wouldn't be so hard. It's plain for all to see that even his co-workers find him risible.
Twenty years of the same stultifying, inane, clap-trap and he still manages to display all the panache and savoire-faire of graveyard shift hospital radio. Every time I stumble across his boundless ineptitude it makes me physically shudder.
How much longer must I suffer at the hands of floundering amateur?
Won't somebody please think of the children?
Mrs. Kate Elder (via e-mail)
I wonder if you might be able to provide some insight on a matter that has troubled me for quite some time. Why is it that whenever I see Blind Date's Cilla Black on my television, I have an uncontrollable urge to pick it up and throw it out of the window?
So far, this has cost me five televisions and eighteen hours community service.
Chris Godfrey (via e-mail)
Editors note: I am pleased to inform Mr.Godfrey that the aforementioned Ms. Black has now lost her acclaimed Saturday evening vehicle Blind Date. Furthermore, I am reliably informed that there are no future editions of her equally cruel variety-show Surprise Surprise in the pipeline. Thus, it appears that his troubles may be at an end.
However, for those concerned that Ms. Black's future looks bleak, may I remind you that she is - first and foremost - a Liverpudlian, and as such, skilled in the art of thievery.