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Provoking with impunity, since 2001.






IAN SCHMIAN, mounts the political podium with all the ease of a mountain goat.

If you used to believe the plodding, nasal tones of Ringo Starr, reading the blinkered stories of some, largely irresponsible, vicar ( - as I did), then, for many years, you'll have taken comfort in the safety of our railways, as portrayed in CITV's Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.

Chuffing great steam locomotives glide into stations the instant a lucky passenger feels the need to aboard. Cargo is delivered safely, and on time, by cheeky - yet highly valued freight engines - who earnestly discuss contemporary politics with the wagons on their way back to the storage yard. If anything should go wrong, we know the Fat Controller will always be able to call in any number of support vehicles to save the day, though often with no small measure of 'Controller humiliation' along the way. For a fat man, he was never too jolly.

The twenty-first century, however, holds a new threat to the safety of our railways, in the form of ex-Eastenders axeman Matthew Robinson, who has recently switched camps and moved to ITV.

'When the world heard that ITV wanted to liven things up down on the old railroad, I was very interested in hearing their suggestions', claimed a clearly irate Ringo Starr. 'Now that I've heard their plans, I just don't know what's what anymore'.

Minutes earlier, in the company of press packers, Ringo had been addressed by the Head of Children's Programming, in a junket held at ITV's Liverpool studio. The subject was the re-launch of the CITV's failing schedule, spearheaded by Mr The Tank Engine and his soiree of tubular chums.

The Fat Jobseeker : Walking

'Many of us were expecting new characters, perhaps a new love interest, or the introduction of new computer-assisted animation techniques' said Ringo, forlornly. 'We certainly didn't foresee the introduction of a man who has killed-off so many of the Eastenders team as the new chief scriptwriter'.

As soon as Mr Robinson was pushed out in front of a stunned press, he began to detail the first of several changes, written in through a supposed takeover by Railtrack.

'The upshot is that the show will  be a lot more gritty now, with a lot more drama and human interest stories' said Robinson. 'It'll be going out four times a week and will be going head-to-head Eastenders, so it's got to be really quite punchy'. Asked if he was worried about vying for the public's attention over such a huge BBC ratings winner, Mr. Robinson, simply smiled wistfully and claimed that the show's producers were 'confident'. 

Some of the more drastic outlined changes are as follows: 

* The Fat Controller has been axed. He will leave the show in a plotline that sees him drunk and beaten. After making his feelings for Nicholas (the little wagon) known, he is shunned by the rest of his beloved coaches, he turns blearily to the sauce for comfort. In his weakened condition, he is rendered defenceless in a vicious mugging at the hands of local village children. The Fat Controller leaves town - a broken man. He is instantly replaced by the Slack Controller (superbly voiced by Stephen Byers), who immediately takes a four-week holiday in St Lucia until the whole ordeal blows over.
* Gordon, traditionally a pillar of the chuff chuff community, will see his wages slashed by the new employers. As his situation at home gradually worsens, he begins to steal coal to feed his hungry children. He is somehow caught in the act by the Slack Controller and sent to work on the G.N.E.R. for the rest of his bitter, hate-filled days.
* Twin engines Ben and Bill will be forced to run different routes, causing both siblings to feel isolated and dejected. Eventually they meet in secret in the yard and agree to run away together. The Slack Controller eventually notices their absence and, as their oppressors finally corner the pair trying to run the Chunnel to France, a homage to Thelma and Louise sees the loveable duo laid to rest together for eternity at the bottom of the White Cliffs of Dover.

Percy, worring about his next hit

* Diesel 10, already one of the show's darker characters, will continue menacing the rails, and is set to introduce Percy to crack cocaine and its wondrous ability to envelope the smoker in a cloud of security in an otherwise anarchic world. Percy will be seen grinding though the yard in a dazed effort to find his carriages in time for the 08:43 to East Grinstead. As he continues to withdraw further into his own cess-filled world, he eventually becomes embroiled in a mail scam with twins, Donald and Douglas. He is then double-crossed at the last moment and left for the authorities to melt down for scrap.

With the British audience's collective jaws set to hang open like a bomb bay door in Afghanistan, one can only hope that a campaign, the likes of which the Daily Mail have 'never seen before', will ensure that this travesty of modern entertainment is stopped now. The Pariah, together with the News of the World, have come up with an idea that is as incredible as it is infallible. We are urging the public to e-mail that little ball of hatred and disparity from deep within your stomach to the ITV complaints department, tout suite! It is only by coming together, like a giant orgy, that we can make ourselves heard above the voices of the real fat controllers, the ITV bosses - and their newly appointed Matthew Robinson.

You know what to do. What are you waiting for? GO TO IT!!!