Croydonite, Dane Bowers, has a lot to answer for.

Having already shown his lack of respect by aurally raping the whole of Christendom with noise-makers Another Level, he's now firing his love gun at Croydon's bevy of top celebrity tottie - and, ladies, he ain't firing blanks.

The afternoon began well, as young Bowers and Ms Mackenzie began the piss fest at Bar Med, where on-lookers were charmed by Dane's sparkling conversation and stunned by Linzie's... well, by Linzie. Champagne flowed, smiles fluttered and the Croydon populous couldn't have been more thrilled with its very own odd couple (-and that was just Linzie). After about an hour, the pair of lovebirds moved on to famous Croydon venue, The Blue Orchid (I know it was about an hour, as my glasses were ready before Dane left).

Quickly though, things began to turn wobbly, and by 16:00, a dough-white Dane was excreting a cold sweat from his brow, while Mackenzie was taking great delight in letting their 14 year-old drinking peers cop a right feel of her sumptuous pectorals. A very unimpressed, and unseasonably moist, Dane decided that enough was enough and began to get it on with some of Croydon's less classy talent - in a scene befitting his recent video Shut Up and Forget About It.

Astoundingly, Dane's pregnant ex-lover Kate Moss then entered the top teeny-bop spot. It was at this point that your reporter sought cover. Why, you ask? Don't question me, motherfucker, I was going to tell you anyway..

Unlike the dull-eyed bouncers employed at The Blue Orchid, I'd spotted to glare in Kate's eyes, the hate in her trembling lips and - more immediately - the gun in her hand and the axe in her purse. Moss was hell bent on fixing that slag Mackenzie, having been ditched by Dane, so he could move on to bigger things - oh yes, of the double-G variety (Dane is himself, only a C-cup). Clearly Moss had forgotten that Dane left his original girlfriend Jordan to be with Kate, and maybe, just maybe, his monogamy left a lot to be desired.

As Moss charged headlong toward Linzie Dawn McKenzie, bouncers finally took action, seizing the pregnant waif before she could get within clawing distance. A flurry of high-pitched screams ensued (-no, not Dane), as Kate delivered the shocking news to the staggered concourse that she was in fact carrying Dane's bastard love-child - with every intention of keeping it. Clearly too shocked to retort, Dane simply wet the floor where he stood, and fled through the front doors.

Bouncers were now also holding Mackenzie, who was also boucing, like a wild thing. As she was escorted past lucky mother-to-be Moss, she sneered a comment about bringing an unborn child into a drinking environment. This last straw threw Moss into a rage that distorted her face so severely that the windows on the nearby Nestle tower spontaneously imploded. A clearly distressed Linzie was thrown into a cab and sent straight home.

Soon after Mackenzie left the Croydon Strip, bouncers allowed Moss to exit via a back door, where she sparked up a fat one and hunted on for her unrequited love